A Lesson I Wish I Had Learned Sooner

The best gift I received this holiday season didn’t come wrapped in paper or tied with a bow. It arrived through the front door, carrying duffel bags, laughter, and familiar voices that somehow sound more grounded every time I hear them.

Our grown children came home.

Each time I am with them, I’m struck by how much wiser they are than the last time we were together. Not in a way that makes me feel old, but in a way that fills me with awe. I see the adults they have become, the way they think, the way they navigate the world, and the values they are shaping for themselves. And every time, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy.

But this year, alongside that joy, I was gifted a lesson. One I wish I had learned much earlier. And it’s a lesson that doesn’t stop at the front door of our homes. It follows us straight into our workplaces.

The Language We Use Shapes the Culture We Create

Like many parents, and many leaders, I’ve spent years saying some version of, “I’m so proud of you.” In families, in teams, in meetings, in performance reviews. And I’ve always meant it.

But this year, I realized something important.

When pride is always framed as something given by someone else, we can unintentionally teach people, children and adults, that their success is validated only when it earns approval. That realization stopped me in my tracks.

I began experimenting with a simple but meaningful shift in language:

• “You should be so proud of yourself.”

• “That must feel incredibly accomplishing.”

• “What part of this are you most proud of?”

It seems small. But language is never small. Language sets norms. Norms become culture.

Validation vs. Ownership in the Workplace

In many workplace cultures, we unintentionally reinforce external validation:

• Promotions become the proof of worth

• Praise from leadership becomes the scoreboard

• Visibility becomes more important than impact

• Approval replaces ownership

Over time, people begin to perform for leaders instead of from their own values, strengths, and sense of purpose. The result? Teams that look productive on the surface but struggle with confidence, innovation, and resilience underneath.

When people are constantly waiting to be told they did a “good job,” they are less likely to:

• Take thoughtful risks

• Speak up with new ideas

• Challenge the status quo

• Recover quickly from mistakes

Because the question running quietly in the background is, “Will this make someone else proud?”

What Strong Cultures Do Differently

The healthiest teams I’ve worked with, those that collaborate well, adapt quickly, and sustain high performance, do something different. They help people build internal pride.

Leaders in these environments:

• Ask reflective questions instead of jumping straight to praise

• Encourage individuals to define success for themselves

• Normalize learning, not just outcomes

• Create space for confidence to grow from the inside out

This doesn’t mean removing recognition or appreciation. It means deepening it.

Instead of, “I’m proud of you for hitting that goal.” Try, “What did it take for you to get there and how does it feel to accomplish it?”

Instead of, “Great job.” Try, “What part of this work stretched you the most?”

These moments help people connect effort to identity, not just results to reward.

Why This Builds Stronger Teams

When individuals learn to be proud of themselves:

• Confidence becomes steadier, not situational

• Motivation becomes intrinsic, not dependent

• Feedback becomes information, not judgment

• Collaboration feels safer and more genuine

People who don’t need constant validation are freer to collaborate, to ask for help, to celebrate others, and to own their growth with grace. And perhaps most importantly, they begin to define success in ways that align with both personal values and collective goals.

A New Year Invitation for Leaders and Teams

As we enter a new year, a season often filled with resolutions, performance goals, and ambitious plans, I want to offer a different kind of intention.

What if we focused less on making others proud and more on helping people feel proud of themselves?

What if leaders measured success not just by outcomes, but by how confidently their teams owned their work?

What if our cultures reinforced trust, curiosity, growth, and joy? Not through slogans, but through everyday conversations?

Because culture isn’t built in mission statements. It’s built in moments.

The Lesson I’m Carrying Forward

Watching our children grow into adults reminded me that leadership, at home or the office, is not about approval. It’s about empowerment. It’s about helping people recognize their own capability, their own progress, and their own pride.

That’s a lesson I wish I had learned sooner.

And it’s one I’m committed to practicing, in my work, in my coaching, and in the cultures, I help shape. Every single day of the year ahead.